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I recently listened to a podcast with Jennifer Finlayson-Fife as the guest speaker and a lot of what she shared rang true. A happy marriage isn’t built on perfection but on the willingness to grow together. Every relationship faces challenges, and one of the key elements that sets strong, lasting marriages apart is a built-in growth mechanism—specifically, the willingness to self-confront. This means being honest with yourself about your limitations and actively working to improve. Let’s explore why self-confrontation is so important and how it can help you grow not only as a partner but also as a parent and an individual.
The Power of Self-Confrontation
Self-confrontation is the ability to take a hard look at yourself, admit your flaws, and take responsibility for your actions. It’s about acknowledging where you can improve, especially when it comes to how you impact those closest to you—your spouse, your children, and even yourself.
One uncomfortable truth about being human is that we are often better at justifying our actions than truly seeing ourselves. We get used to the way we behave, to the point where we might lose track of how our actions affect others. We can become comfortable enough with our patterns of engagement that we don’t see our own blind spots. This is why feedback from those closest to us—especially our spouse or children—can be so valuable, though often difficult to accept.
Why We Avoid Honest Feedback
It’s natural to want to defend yourself when confronted with feedback, especially from a loved one. When someone points out something you’ve been denying or avoiding, it can feel threatening. You might be tempted to “shoot the messenger,” rejecting the feedback because it feels uncomfortable or painful.
For example, a spouse might say, “It hurts me when you shut down during arguments,” or a child might express feeling unheard. Our initial response could be, “If you loved me, you wouldn’t criticize me,” or “That’s not true—I didn’t mean to hurt you.” While it’s easy to dismiss feedback or get defensive, doing so keeps us from truly seeing ourselves and from growing as partners, parents, and individuals.
The Gift of Honest Self-Correction
In a healthy marriage, both partners must be willing to self-correct. This means being open to feedback and recognizing the truth in what’s being said, even if it’s difficult to hear. It’s not about accepting everything your spouse or children say without question, but about having the humility and honesty to consider their perspective and see what might be true in their feedback.
This doesn’t mean that everything said by a spouse or child is 100% accurate, but rather that they often see things about us that we might not want to admit. If we can face these truths without defensiveness, we have the opportunity to grow. A spouse who says, “I think you have a point, and I’m willing to work on this,” is showing love in its purest form—not through perfection, but through a willingness to evolve and improve.
Why This Matters for Your Marriage
At its core, this willingness to self-confront is about showing up for your partner with honesty and humility. It’s about recognizing that no one is perfect, but that the strength of a relationship lies in the commitment to grow and change. When you are willing to acknowledge your flaws and work on them, you demonstrate to your partner that you are invested in the relationship’s long-term health and happiness.
In turn, this willingness to grow builds trust. Your spouse doesn’t expect you to be flawless, but they will appreciate your efforts to self-correct when needed. This kind of emotional accountability can deepen your connection and create a marriage where both partners feel valued, heard, and supported.
The Impact on Parenting
This concept isn’t limited to marriage. Self-confrontation and self-correction are also vital in parenting. Children don’t expect perfection from their parents, but they do benefit when parents are willing to admit their mistakes and work to do better. A parent who can say, “I’m sorry, I was wrong, and I’ll try to do better next time,” offers a powerful gift to their children—the example of accountability and the reassurance that growth is always possible.
When children see their parents taking responsibility for their actions and making changes, it teaches them the value of self-reflection and growth in their own lives. This helps to create a family dynamic that prioritizes honesty, growth, and emotional well-being for everyone involved.
Conclusion: Embracing Growth Together
Marriage is not about perfection but about progress. It requires a growth mechanism, and that mechanism is rooted in the willingness to self-confront, to take feedback from those who love us, and to self-correct. By facing the uncomfortable truths about ourselves—those blind spots we often overlook—we not only strengthen our marriages but also become better partners, parents, and individuals. The willingness to say, “I can do better, and I’m willing to work on it,” is a profound expression of love and commitment.
So, the next time your spouse or child offers you feedback, instead of reacting defensively, take a moment to reflect. Consider what truth might lie in their words, and embrace the opportunity to grow together. In the end, this is the real foundation of a happy, healthy marriage.
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